About a year after I got married, I vividly remember going over to my parents for a Sunday evening meal. I was complaining to my mom about grad school and working full time...felt I had too much on my plate. I remember my wise mother saying as she placed her arms around my shoulders, "well honey, you are setting yourself up for a great future." And my reply..."Yes, but Mom, all I really want to do is be a wife and mom right now." Kids, at that time, were not on our radar (little did I know I was unexpectedly pregnant though!). Even then, I had that yearning of pushing my little baby in that stroller. And cuddling that little baby in my arms.
Well, God abundantly blessed me by making all those dreams come true---TIMES 3. I am forever grateful for the gifts He has given me in my girls.
But today..I am struggling. It may sound very up surd to some. Maybe a little over dramatic to others. But can I admit that I am struggling that my seemingly last baby is turning 1 this week? When children dream of being a mom...when I dreamt of being a mom...I dreamt of cuddling that little newborn. Now...every stage of my girls is AWESOME and so much fun. But can I grieve that babyhood for me is coming to an end? I don't want it too. I LOVE having a baby in my arms.
Isn't kind of ironic that while you are celebrating firsts during that first year of a baby's life...you are also celebrating lasts? I mean...last time you held your baby's neck to support it's floppy head--she learns to hold it upright. Last time you worked so hard to get a burp out--she overcame it. Last time she would wear that adorable outfit that your mom got for her (which meant so much to you)--she outgrew it. Last time you would be feeding her in the night--she endured it. Last time she sat still in your lap--she found independence. Last time you would open a jar of putrid smelling baby food--she learned better. Last time she would sit in that little whale bathtub--she outgrew it. Her last back and forth in that swing she spent so many hours in--she moved on. Last time you could take a shower without fear--she became mobile. Last time she breastfed---she didn't have time for it anymore.
And while I am so excited to celebrate my baby's 1st birthday, I am also grieving that this year has gone by so fast--most of it while I was in a blur. And while I am so elated that my baby is achieving all of her milestones and appreciating her God given personality that is coming out, I am sad. Sad that my baby will now be a toddler. Sad that most likely I will not have those "firsts" again in my life. Sad that I know the innocence she has as a baby, will ever too soon be stripped away by the cruelness of this world. I wish I could hold on to that baby forever. To shield her from all that hurt that slaps us once her independence hits her. To keep cuddling every cruel word away. Keep kissing every mean look off. To sing off every little bruise.
But I can't.....
That's not the way God designed this life. If he had us mother's holding on to all of that, we would have no need for Him. So I pray...I pray hard that as Harper grows and experiences some of that, that God will "cuddle" every cruel word said to her, that He will "kiss" every tear that those mean looks cause, and He will comfort her in her pain of this earth. I can't do it all...and I am pretty sure that is why God designed this life as He did. To push us to depend on Him...not on our Mommas...
So as I am grieving through this...I am also swelling up with joy. Joy that my baby is learning so much. Absorbing how cool this world is. Enjoying how much the little things in life can bring one so much joy. Today for Finley it was being able to push her own grocery cart at the store. Those little things that bring us so much joy. And Harper...well...I can't wait to see her personality bloom. Excited to see how unique her character is and God's fingerprints all over her. And even though I miss those "first year" stares with those big blue eyes looking up at me as if I am the only thing that matters in the world, I will bottle up the here and nows of her little being. I will miss the senseless babble that I awaken to every morning coming from down the hall. Soon that senseless babble will form into words...and I can't wait to hear those words "I love you Momma!" coming from those sweet little lips. I can even say that I miss those nighttime feedings where I can get full range snuggles from Harper without having to tend to anyone else...where she actually fell asleep in my arms. But soon...even Harper...will learn that sleep is a precious commodity in life....:)
So even though I grieve, I am so excited to watch my baby blossom and fly into the world with abandon. Because I will always be there. Always be there to watch...and most importantly to catch....
Thank you God for this incredible opportunity....
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