The day after I miscarried, my Mom wasn't able to be with me or take my kids. I was still in some pain, and so tired from not sleeping much the night before. I am so thankful for God's people and how He uses them to be His hands and feet during times like these. My dear friend offered to pick up my two girls and keep them ALL day so I could have a day to get back on my feet. And she even brought me my favorite thing in the world--my Starbucks coffee. I was so thankful for that blessing. And the night before another dear friend brought dinner to me. I couldn't get through this time without the support.
You know..they say bad news comes in three. So while I was starting to feel physically better on that Wednesday, I received a phone call that turned me upside...and again...made me very anxious. I am not going to go into details with what this phone call entailed for private reasons, but it made me question many things...and most importantly wondering if my family was going to get through this. Steve was incredibly busy at work (of course) on this day but after I finally got ahold of him to tell him what was going on, he reassured me...again...that things would be ok. Although we had no idea why these things were happening...it didn't make sense to our human minds. Especially finding out the day after we lost our baby.
Then a few hours later, I received the third bad news. Funny how this all happened within a 24 hour time period. It was the doctor's office. A couple of my tests came back abnormal. Meaning I had to go back in for more testing. UGH...not what I wanted to hear. Especially after feeling so physically horrible..and emotionally a wreck. So not only was I now dealing with grief, my heart was beginning to tailspin with extreme worry and anxiety. Why was all of this happening? And honestly, if God allowed the worse to happen to my baby was He going to allow the worse to happen to me and my family too? And lots of questioning of God as to why He would let all this happen in a time frame of 24 hours?
Fear over swept me over everything...everything I could be fearful about...I was. Anxiety was overtaking me. I just wanted to be able to have the chance to grieve for my baby, but I couldn't. Now I was focused on worrying about my family and worrying about what was wrong with me. My dad said something to me that will always stick with me. "Sarah, you are worrying because you are asking God to give you the grace for something you don't have." Don't focus on the what if's...just the facts of what you know NOW...was basically what that meant. God will give me the grace to get through it. Again...there was the word GRACE.
About a week and a half later, I got another phone call. This time it was from my parents. Some more family things...some more very very serious family things that needed urgent attention. My heart just wasn't able to take much more...I thought. But I am still here...
About a week later, I started getting some horrible pain in my left side. I tried to blow it off. But by the time I had to go in to get some testing done for my other test, I had to figure out what was going on. Something, again, wasn't right. I couldn't sleep I was in so much pain. I couldn't rest because I was consumed with so much anxiety...so much worry. I had my testing done and the next day they scheduled me for an ultrasound. More waiting....more worrying.
One of my great friends gave me a stack of notecards with verses on them. Those have been my lifeline during this past month. I read them over and over. One of my favorite ones she gave me is :
Exodus 14:14.."The Lord will fight for you...you only need to be still."
I still don't understand why God was doing this all at once...bombarding me with a bunch of things at once. And a few of the things that were and still are going on...I may never understand this side of heaven. But I do know--God will give me the grace to get through it. GRACE.
The ultrasound came back ok--still dealing with affects from the miscarriage. My testing...well, I have to go in to get further treatment. Not what I was wanting...but it is what it is. Am I sad about EVERYTHING that has happened within my own family and my family as a whole? Yes... Am I still grieving the loss of my baby? Of course. But the fact is....I am still here. And most likely, although I don't quite feel it yet...I am probably stronger.
"To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord SUSTAINS me." Psalm 3:4-5
One thing that has been so amazing through this whole process is that the Lord has been using His people to be Himself with skin on. What I mean is...God has been calling up all my "intercessors" even without my knowledge to pray for me, to encourage me, and to lift me up. The blessings that I have received from my friends and even those who I don't know very well has had a lasting impact on me. I see now how I never fully understood how to serve other people. Through these people who have stepped up and have walked alongside of me through this journey, I have a great idea of what serving others should look like. I am so grateful for all the encouragement, hugs, cards, dinners, phone calls, random messages, and prayers that God's people have done for me...and it truly shows me how God is calling up all my intercessors to help fight for me.
And well....Life does go on. And well....so will I....:)
And well...I am even more thankful for these three blessings in my life..thank you God for them!
