Shiloh [meaning God's Gift]-Conversation with God

I LOVE naming babies.  It is one of the best things about finding out that you are pregnant in my mind.  I love thinking of names of my babies and looking through the loads and loads of books of baby names.  And then I love taking these names to Steve and having him roll his eyes at me.  So obviously once I found out I was pregnant, the name search began.  I would search the internet and look at books, but even before I started doing that, one name in particular was sticking out in my head.

God obviously wanted me pregnant.  We were preventing pregnancy and honestly, may be too much info, but the one egg I had dropped in two years somehow got fertilized.  God obviously was giving me the greatest gift He could.  So with that, I presented Steve with a name I wanted if this baby was indeed another girl.

"Steve, if it's a girl, I really like the name SHILOH.  It means God's gift.  And obviously, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God wants us to have THIS gift."

Steve thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, I'm not sure.  Let's think about it."  I hadn't gotten him convinced yet.  Plus, I knew he was thinking I was jumping the gun even thinking it's a girl because he quickly responded, "You know...I could have made a boy this time too!"

A few days went by and I started feeling periods of "morning sickness."  Then one Friday afternoon, I was so sick that as soon as Steve got home, I had to go to bed.  I cried to him saying, "I can't handle this for 6 more weeks if I get sick like this."  Oh how I wish I could take back those cruel words.  How I wish I could still feel that tinge of morning sickness.

The very next morning I woke up and was alarmed....I was spotting.  Now I know that this can be fairly normal for early pregnancy but it was nothing I had done in my other pregnancies and I was spotting too much for my liking.  Of course since it was the weekend, I had to call the doctor on call to put my  mind at ease.  The Doctor told me that this can be normal, but to call back if my bleeding got heavy.  She told me to lay low all weekend.  And that I did.  But my emotions did not lay low. 

I thought I would wake up Sunday and it would all be gone.  No..the cramping was horrendous and spotting even more.  I was wanting to hold out until Monday...especially since I was not "heavy bleeding" like the Doctor noted as to when I was to call back.  I felt horrible all day Sunday and knew in the back of my mind, that I was losing my precious baby.  The anxiety I felt was even more horrendous then the cramping I was feeling.  I was asking where God was in all of this?  Why couldn't I feel His comfort?  All I kept hearing was a still small voice telling me, "Trust me Sarah...Trust me".  But how could I?  Why wasn't He telling me everything was going to be ok?  Why couldn't I feel that peace that it was going to be ok?  I kept asking God to speak to me...but I could feel nothing.  I could hear nothing except trust.  Then I asked God, "Please...God.....please just give me one word to focus on today.  One word, Lord to make the object of my focus on this day."  Thinking that God would give me a word such as "peace" or "It's ok".  But no...the word I got was "Grace".  Grace?  How was I supposed to take that?  But ok, Lord, I will focus on your Grace in this day...knowing you will give me the Grace to get through this and this day.  But I wanted assurance that I was going to be OK.  I wanted assurance my precious baby was going to be OK.  I didn't hear it...I heard, "Grace...Sarah...Trust".  Unfortuntely,  the anxiety continued....

Monday, I woke up...even more bleeding.  I called the Doctor's office first thing.  The cramping was, at this point, incredibly painful.  The doctor wanted me in at 10:45.  My mom came up to be with me and stay with the other girls so Steve could go to the Dr.'s with me.  I told my mom, "Momma, I am so scared.  I will be shocked if there still is a baby here."  I haven't called my Mom, "Momma" in years.  But I was scared.  I was a scared little girl who had no idea what was going on with her body which was in so much pain, or with a child that I loved with all my heart even though we hadn't officially met.

We got to the Doctor's office and I was trembling.  The Doctor walked in to do the ultrasound and said, "You know, when I got the phone call about this this morning, and since the dates of the size of the baby didn't match up to your last period, I was concerned.  You know...you are now at a high risk for miscarriage."  There he said it.  He even knew that most likely, he would not find that precious babe in my womb that we had just seen a week earlier bouncing around.

Imagine my surprise that right away, I saw my baby on that ultrasound screen and the heart was fluttering away!!  My heart was OVERJOYED.  Even the doctor was shocked.  The doctor went on to say, "And not only is the heart still beating, but the baby has doubled in size since last week!!  You now have an official due date of 11/1/11..just like I said last week!"  My heart rejoiced and immediately I gave thanks to God above.

But why was I bleeding?

The Doctor didn't know. He replied, "It could be early signs of a miscarriage...or it could be numerous other things.  Many women do bleed while pregnant.  It sounds cruel, but right now you are just going to have to wait it out.  Come back in a week to do another ultrasound."

And with that, he gave me the most precious pictures of my 4th baby.  I was overjoyed thinking...well if the baby doubled in size from last week surely there is no way that it could be a miscarriage.  For once in 3 days, my anxiety lessened up a bit.

On the way home from the Doctor's Steve looked at me and said, "Ok...if it's indeed a girl...her name is SHILOH.  She honestly is a true gift after all of this."

Shiloh it was going to be.

I had asked many people to begin praying for me at this point.  Praying that I would stop bleeding and that the horrendous cramping would go away.  I could  barely walk I was in such pain.  But it appeared the bleeding wasn't slowing down at all.  The anxiety started creeping back up again.

As I was rocking Harper to sleep that night in her room, I started crying out to God.  I was thanking Him for the gift of my dear baby and the precious picture I head in my mind of the little heartbeat I saw with my own eyes...but was also praying for comfort...for the bleeding to stop and the cramping to go away.  Now I do believe that our God is a relational God....I believe that God wants to have actual conversations with his children but many times we don't stop to listen.  But as I was rocking my little one year old to sleep, God appeared to me.  Now I didn't literally see God...but I knew of his presence..I could feel it...and most importantly, I could hear Him.  My 20 minute actual conversation with God will stay with me forever.  It went something like this...and I feel that God reaffirmed to me that indeed this baby was a girl...

First of all, He told me again the word, "Trust" and then he gave me a word picture.  It looked something like this:

Then He want on to say to me,
"Sarah, your little girl, is in my hands.  Nothing can harm her.  I am taking care of her right here in my hand.  Fear not my child and trust me.  I will give you the GRACE you need at this time."

I said, "But Lord, why am I still in pain...why aren't you taking away this bleeding?"

He said, "In time, Sarah.  For now, you just need to focus your life on Seeking me with your WHOLE being.  Everything else will then fall into place.  With your seeking me, you will receive the wisdom to get through difficult circumstances."

I said, "Lord, I want this baby with everything I have.  Thank you for blessing me with this 4th blessing.  Please help me to be the mother to her that you would want...to be an example, and to raise her to love you with everything she has."

Then the Lord specificially told me something I will never never forget....

He said, "Sarah, this little baby is very very special.  I cannot wait for you to meet her..."

After 20 minutes of rocking Harper and listening to my Lord, I felt calm.  I felt the peace I had been yearning for.  And I felt like everything would be ok.  I thought I would be able to hold that special baby in my arms and meet that special baby on this side of earth....

But the next morning, I knew something was drastically wrong.  The bleeding was very heavy and I was having some other symptoms that I won't go into.  But didn't God tell me just a few hours earlier that He was taking care of my Shiloh?  Didn't God tell me she was one special baby?  Why hadn't these symptoms gone away?

I had to teach class that morning.  The last thing I felt like doing was going to do a Intro to Psych lecture for an hour and a half standing on my feet.  I could barely walk, let alone stand.  I got to class, and I knew deep down inside that I was losing my precious baby.  I couldn't handle being in class.  The panic started overtaking me.  I was short of breath.  The room was spinning.  My face was hot.  I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out...I didn't know which.  I needed to get out...and get out quick.  I dismissed the class after only being there for 10 minutes.  I couldn't do it.  The peace I had just felt hours before was out the window.  I was in pure panic mode.

My mom made her way up and I called the doctor's again.  They couldn't get in in until early afternoon.  Again more waiting.  Again more agonizing.  Again more pain...physically and emotionally.

We got to the Dr.'s and right away as she was doing the ultrasound, I knew that my precious Shiloh was in the Lord's Hands...literally.

After searching for my precious baby I had seen just hours before, the Dr. proceeded with the agonizing news.  "Yes, I am sorry but you have had a miscarriage."

The baby I had just seen fluttering in my belly just hours before had vanished.  The baby, that special baby, I had a conversation about with my Lord, that I must have misinterpreted that I would see here on earth, was literally in the Lord's hands. 

My heart desperately grieved.  There would be no swaddler diapers, no fresh scent of a newborn, no sleepless newborn nights around 11/1/11, and no little voice whispering , "MOMMA" for the first time from the lips of my little Shiloh.

After the Doctor left, I clung and cried on Steve's shoulder.  I cried, "But Steve, we just saw her yesterday.  When did it happen? "

And Steve responded,
"Probably during your conversation with God.  He was literally taking care of her Sarah...right in His very own hand."

My heart ached....and unfortuntely the anxiety just lingered....but oh what God has been teaching me here...I will share what else happened soon....

Shiloh [meaning God's Gift]

Today I come writing...after again a long while to share a journey our family has been on.  A journey I never thought I would partake.  I road I never thought I would I would have to follow.  But alas, I am reminded that I am not in control of my life.  He who is the sustainer of Life is in control of my life.  So I write today so I can remember all that God is teaching me on this journey.  I write so I can never forget......never forget my Shiloh....

On Febuary 19th, we received news that I definitely wasn't expected.  I had finished nursing Harper just a couple months before, had gotten my period once and just never thought much about it.  Steve kept asking me, "Are you sure you are not pregnant?"  And I reassured him, "Steve, there is NO WAY I am pregnant."  My hormones were just wacky trying to get back on track after nursing and we definitely WERE NOT trying to get pregnant.  But on that Saturday, I told Steve to go get a pregnancy test so I could prove him wrong..and me right.  20 minutes later, he came back with a test and I went to take it.  I have taken oh, around, a million pregnancy tests, and I was positive in what I would see.  Just two lines.  No plus signs or anything.

Well...4 pregnancy tests later, we knew God had blessed us with a very UNEXPECTED blessing.  Our 4th baby.  I was in shock.  I was in disbelief.  I was completely overwhelmed.  I was totally freaking out to put it nicely.  Harper would barely be two and I felt like I still hadn't adjusted to having 3 children.  I always liked the idea of having 4 children, but Steve was very content with the 3 little blessings we had.  After Steve got over his shock, he reassured me that everything was going to be fine.

Of course, I had to tell my parents right away....when unexpected things hit me, I need to talk about it.  Get encouraged about it.  My parents were ESTATIC.  They could not wait to meet their 13th grandchild!!  My dad sent me this text message the day after I found out that meant the world to me:

"My precious daughter,
While I know this is a big surprise, the truth is that the greatest gifts in life often come that way...
God who knows all things has told us who are his to be fruitful and multiply...to raise up our children
to love and worship Him...you have been CHOSEN by God for His highest calling...to be the guardian of his precious children...
How cool is this!  Grandpa could not be happier and your multiplying blessings are just ahead.  God always sends the grace to meet the challenges of HIS LEADING.  LOVE YOU SWEETHEART"

That was it.  That is what it took me to become UBER excited to meet my 4th child.  4 would be a great number for our family.  And so you know a woman...once we get excited about something....we start planning.  And planning I started.  Who was going to share rooms with who?  How were we going to tell the girls?  How were we going to tell Steve's parents?  I was getting very excited. 

But I kept telling Steve, it's weird.  I just don't feel pregnant.  I was hoping to get by with this pregnancy with NO morning sickness...just like I had with Reese.  Such a wonderful pregnancy.  There was something in the back of my mind though that before I told ANYONE...especially the girls, that I wanted to make sure everything was ok with my precious child.

According to the date from my last period, when I found out I was around 8 weeks.  So that next week, on March 1st, I had my first doctor's appointment.  I was so grateful that Steve was in town so he could come with me.  And on that day I got to see the very first pictures of my precious baby.  I got to see the heart flutter and the little "bean" moving around.  According to the ultrasound, I was just around 5 weeks.  The baby was even too small to measure.  I have never been regular with my periods and the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Harper.  I just ovulated late with my hormones being out of whack.  The baby was even too small to give me a due date, but the Dr. said, "Come back in two weeks and I can give you an exact due date.  But right now, I am thinking it will be around 11/1/11/"  I thought, "What a fun and perfect due date!" And the Dr. reassured me that I probably didn't "feel" pregnant yet because I was just so early.  "That's yet to come" he told me.  I asked the Dr., "You know I have had 3 great pregnancies...what are the risks that I would miscarry?"  The Dr. reassured me, "Well, the national average is about 1 in 3 pregnancies, but since you have had 3 normal pregnancies, your chances are miscarrying are probably slim."

Seeing that heartbeat was all it took to get Steve excited too.  What color hair would this baby have?  Would the baby have blue eyes like our other girls?  And of course, would this baby be a boy??  Questions swirled in our minds.  Our anticipation and excitment was growing by the moment.  I could not WAIT to tell the girls.  I know Reese especially would be over the moon with this news.

So since everything looked great with our 4th baby, we wanted to go out and celebrate.  The girls got to pick where to go and my parents were coming up to meet us and celebrate with us.  The girls of course picked Pizza Ranch (which is their 2nd choice..but I nixed McDonalds).  And there I revealed the big news:

Me:  Reese and Finley, are you guys going to be ok if you have to share rooms again?

Reese:  Yes!  We would love it...why?

Me:  Because we are going to have someone else come live with us.  Someone who needs to use Harper's crib.

Reese:  (still not getting it)  Who is it Mommy?

Me (after trying a few more ways to get her to get it):  Mommy's having a baby!! 

Reese and Finley started jumping up and down and it was hard to settle them down.

Me:  Shhh..girls...this is our secret.  Mommy's baby is still very very tiny and before we tell anyone about the baby we need to make sure it grows a little.  So please keep this a secret.

Surprisingly, the girls did very good with the secret but talked about it nonstop when we got home and for a few days to come.  They were so excited.

Little did we know the road we were heading down in a few days....

And there will be more to this story to come as my heart can only handle so much at this time...

Part of my Day...in pictures...

Mommy catches me often during the day sneaking up the stairs.  Uh oh...

Hey the reason I go up the stairs to to make myself beautiful...like my sisters.

Harper's favorite Past-time these days.  Talking on the phone.  HEWWOOO?  Many unsuspected people in my family have gotten Harper's phone calls unbeknowst to me.

Ok Ok...I will pose for you a bit.  But I'm kind of tired.

Kissing her baby doll.  This little one is already OBSESSED with babies.  No one needs to teach gender to these little ones.

We are practicing....on standing!  Yes...at 15 months we are a little behind that we are not walking yet.  But we are getting there.  Slowly but surely.  She will take a few steps when she feels like it though:)

Deep in thought...she is pretending to be "grown-up"

Ahhh..it's not very often I get a "real" smile from this little one.  I think we were discussing the topic of "poop" when taking this picture.  Yes, totally typically of my 3-almost 4 year old.

Finley's new obsession.  Her mommy's red boots.  Hey..what can I say?  This girl has some good tastes!

Tap tap tap tap...Acting and "sounding" like a Mommy.  These haven't left her feet for 2 days!

A BIG FAT F....

Yes...that's right.  A big fat F.  That's what I give myself.  Since I am now teaching, I am into giving out grades to myself and I give myself an F.  An F for FAIL.  Yes, I have been so ignoring and FAILING my blog considerably.  But it's not just my blog.  It's a lot of things.

Let me back up a bit.  Last time I had "blogged" I had mentioned that their was a lot of life events that were changing for my household.  The biggest thing was that I was going back to work.  Well, just two days a week to start so at least not full time. And then come January, I was to start teaching at a local community college here in the town I live in.  I knew I would be busy, sure I knew...  But I didn't want to stop doing the things I love as well such as photography, and baking cakes.  So since October, here is what I have been up to in list form (I am also into organzing my life now..! HA!):

1.  Working 2 days a week counseling kids in school and preparing for each session with them
2.  Preparing for teaching college lectures
3.  Learning my material for these lectures so I can at least sound half way like I know what I am talking about.
4.  Helping to write our church's Christmas production
5.  Rehearsing and starring (ha!!  ok..not really..but a small part) in my Church's Christmas production
6.  Baking cakes for different cake orders that came in (artistic outlet for me!)
7.  Starting a photography business...(What??!!  I know...more to come on that later)
8.  Getting my family ready to leave for 2 weeks over Christmas to PA.
9.  Trying to do this all while my husband travels every week..
10.  And oh yeah....nurturing and pouring into the lives of three precious gifts God has given me..

Ok...I admit.  I had my hand in WAY too much stuff.  But all these things are good things.  All these things I thought God brought to me and I couldn't pass up.  Again, subconsciously, I was thinking I could be SuperMom...at least for awhile.  But come the beginning to December, I starting to Fail.  I started to fail at each of every one of those lists.  I was not being a good employee.  How could I?  I couldn't devote the time I needed to for my clients.  I was not being a good Mommy.  I was so stressed that I unfortuntely, put these precious little pumpkins at the bottom of my list. I was not being a good wife.  Poor Steve--he didn't even make my list.  This man of my dreams should be #1 on this list.  I was so tired with everything going on that I was failing.  Failing miserably.  And my attitude about it all...well let's just say that was ummhmmm...failing as well (and that is putting it kindly).  Something had to go.  I couldn't keep it up.

So I made the tough decision and decided that yes..after only doing it for a few months, I needed to quit my counseling job 2 days a week.  I am not a quitter..so for me to resign after just starting killed me.  It killed me to say that "I failed at this".  It killed me to say that I couldn't be supermom.  A lot of  mom's work...why couldn't I keep up with it?  But monetarily wise, this posistion was not making a lot of sense.  Daycare wise it wasn't working out either.  So Steve and I talked and prayed and knew that this was the one area that was causing me so much stress that needed to go.

I knew I needed to concentrate on my Mommyhood.  And not get so caught up in helping to "bring in the cash" or contributing to the world.  My girls are the ministry God has brought to me at this time in my life and I need to take full advantage of it now.  It always won't be that way.  I need to thank God for this blessing.  God will take care of other things in my life that I worry about.  I need to focus on taking care of my family.  This is something I need to constantly remind myself as I get so caught up in the world's view of working mom's.

I am still an adjunct professor at the community college.  But actually, I am loving it.  I am only teaching one class...and am gone two mornings a week, but it is just perfect for me.  I still get to put my years of education to the test for 3 hours each week, and then I get to be a Mommy the rest of the time.  To be honest, the lecture preparing has been grueling, but I am hoping that next time I teach this class it will be a piece of cake!  :)  I am so thankful to God for the opportunity to have something like this that is so part time.  I am so thankful to have the opportunity to invest in student's lives the way my professors did.  To hopefully help them appreciate the complex and amazing way that God designed us relationally for His glorious purposes.  (Although I obviously can't tell them that in those words! ).

And yes..I am in the process of starting a little photography business.  But this is a slow, long process.  Photography has become an absolute LOVE of mine.  I am excited to develop it more and if I can make a little money in the process then...hey..it makes it even more fun, right?  :)  I am hoping to post more info about this in the future. 

Well failing...it's not something I do quite gracefully.  It's quite humbling.  Thankfully I have a God who helps me get back on my feet and gives me 2nd (or 3rd and 4th) chances.  So...blogging..while I am not committing to anything right now in the midst of psychology lecture preparing, I am committed to do better then once every 4 months.  I mean, this is for my girls, right?  I fail at the whole scrapbook thing so I at least better make this work so they have a little bit of memories in their young days!  :)    So here's to improving my grade....!!

Trick or Treat....

Trick or Treat

We Look real Neat

We Got way too much good stuff to eat

My Momma does say

that if it don't go away

she will have a big price to pay

For crying out loud

Those dang Snickers she chowed

And for that she ain't too proud

For her buttocks now looks like a jello jiggler going floppity flop

And the love handles....have you heard the term "Muffin top?"

The candy has now got to go

Before she stoops to an all time low

Somebody help find that discipline she does know

Because everytime we turn around

We hear the "hands in the candy" sound

Momma shouts, "Look what I found!"

And pulls out a Snickers again

Is this the unpardonable sin?

So now we hide the candy in a great big tin

Praying she won't let herself in

Momma it's for your better good

PLEASE stay away from the sugar food


Ok...I really wrote that for myself.  Hoping it would be self motivation to KEEP MY HANDS OUT OF THE CANDY JAR.  Darn Halloween!  But I do have the cutest trick or treaters on the block!

This year we had a Bride, A Pink Poodle, and A Black Cat.  No Theme this year...sniffle sniffle.  It was the first year Steve hasn't dressed up with the girls.  They both had admandent ideas this time about their costumes.

My Sweet little Trick or Treaters...

We did have a fun Halloween.  My inlaws were in town from PA so they got to participate in all the fun.  I love having girly girls so dressing them up was half the fun for me.

Harper's Dedication

A couple Sunday's ago, Steve and I had the privledge of dedicating our sweet Harper Sophia to the Lord.  By dedicating her, Steve and I acknowledged and made a committment to the Lord that we were going to raise her by teaching her about Him and training her up as the Bible commands us to.  It also means that I will pray on a daily basis that Harper will come to know the Lord as her personal Savior and grow up to do mighty things for Him!  Heaven knows she is already a little powerhouse who needs little sleep!  HA!  Along with her dedication, I picked up a verse that I wanted committed solely to her on this day:

Ephesians 3:19-20
(add ins by me...)

"Harper I want you to know that Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you, Harper, will be able to know that love.  Then you, Harper, can be filled with the fullness of God.  With God's power working in you, Harper, God can do much, much more than anything Harper could ever ask or imagine."

Harper's Dedication Day.  She looked so cute but didn't feel well at all.  Her first time being really sick:(  Hence her runny nose!

Storms....

Do you remember that song that we used to sing in Sunday School when we were little?  Ok here it goes...umhmm...(me clearing my throat)....Ha...good thing you really can't hear me huh? :)

The Wise Man built His house upon the rock
The Wise Man built His house upon the rock
The Wise Man built His house upon the rock
And the Rains came tumbling down!

The Rains came down and the Floods came up
The Rains came down and the Floods came up
The Rains can down and the Floods came up
And the House on the Rock stood firm

The Foolish Man built His house upon the sand
The Foolish Man built His house upon the sand
The Foolish Man built His house upon the sand
And the Rains came tumbling down!

The Rains can down and the Floods came up
The Rains came down and the Floods came up
The Rains came down and the Floods came up
And the House on the sand went SPLAT!

So Build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
So build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
 build your house on the Lord Jesus Christ
And the blessings will come down!

The Blessings come down as the prayers go up
The blessings come down as the prayers go up
The blessings come down as the prayers go up
So build your house on the Lord!

I was reminded of this song as I was listening to one of my favorite speakers, James MacDonald who is doing a series on the family.  On the family during hard times.  Isn't it awesome how God uses random things and people to speak through you when you really need it?  And sure enough...he uses simple children's songs to inspire you....well at least me:)  As I was listening to this sermon series James Macdonald said something that I LOVED.
He said, "EVERY family goes through storms.  No family will beat the odds of getting off easy here.  We will all encounter some type of storm in our family lives.  And until the storms come, every house on the block looks good...it all looks the same.  It is only when these storms come can you determine which house is built on the rock and which is built on the sand.  It is only when these storms come that it is apparent if your family is built on TRUTH."

It is my prayer that Steve and I are building our home on truth.  The "sand" is the easy way to do family and quite honestly when I feel like I don't have any energy to stand up let alone "train up my child" or "work on my marriage" the "sand" is the most appealing way to do things...and do them quick.  But building my home on the Truth...on the rock..takes time...it takes perserverance...it takes energy.  But it's the only way our family will make it through these storms...and I know that when I ask the Lord for supernatural energy to do this...He will show Himself mightly.  He already has:)  Both Steve and I are committed that we want to build our houses on the rock...and not take the easy way out.  Maybe this is why God allowed these storms to come into our lives.  Maybe we were drifting off path and starting to get lazy...maybe our house was turning into sand.  But not anymore...we are refocused.  We are moving forward.  As my heart wants to grieve all this hard stuff going on around me, I can hear the Lord's still small voice telling me, "Sarah, look in front of you.  Not to the right or to the left."  It's His way of telling me to endure building this house up with a firm and not shaky foundation.  It's His way of telling me that "He works all things for the Good  to Those who love Him."  And I will trust in Him.  Because He is TRUTH!

Lord guide my feet and my mind in a direction that will lift my HOME and family up to your glory!